Scene 1: The Sublet
<A man dances through his apartment in an untied silk kimono, moustache and glasses. The apartment is decorated with garish eccentricities. Every corner seems filled with colourful nick knacks, novelty items from a previous decade, or handsome bare chested celebrities in grayscale. Knock on the door, Jamie turns down the music and answers. At the door is Frank. Frank is well-dressed, young and friendly.>
Frank: Hi, I saw your ad online, I’m here about the sublet. Are you Jamie? I couldn’t get a hold of you so I thought I’d just stop by, I hope that’s okay. <Hand out to shake, Jamie doesn’t take it. Pause> You’re not Jamie, are you? I’m sorry I must have written the apartment numbers down wrong. I don’t have a printer at home, so … shoot. <fumbles for a piece of paper he wrote the address on> It looks like 102 but it could be 103. Sorry, there’s no number on your door so I thought… I can barely even read my own writing, you can understand the mistake right?
Jamie: Don’t apologize. I’m Jamie this is 103. <takes the piece of paper from Frank, crumples it and throws it out> Gladys Pinkerton lives across the hall in 102. You can go over and ask if she’s also interested in subletting. She doesn’t get many male visitors so she might think you’re a potential suitor.
Frank: Oh.
Jamie: She doesn’t have any teeth so it’s not the worst mistake that could be made.
Frank: Sorry Jamie you don’t really look like you’re ready for company.
Jamie: Well what do you expect when you arrive without calling first?
Frank: I tried. You wouldn’t pick up.
Jamie: Oh. I must have been out. You can come in if you want. Or are you able to decide if you want to sublet from there?
<Frank enters the apartment, Jamie closes the door behind him.>
Frank: Okay. You know, this is silly of me but from the ad I thought you were a girl.
Jamie: <looks at robe> Fashion and taste don’t have a gender. Are women the only ones allowed to have nice things?
Frank: It’s not that. I have an aunt named Jamie. When I read the ad I thought there’d be a woman at the door.
Jamie: How disappointing. Expecting a woman and getting a man. I’m sure you’re the first person who’s ever had that surprise.
Frank: Right.
Jamie: Well I’ve never heard of any girls named Jamie.
Frank: The only Jamie I know is my Aunt.
Jamie: Odd then she has my name.
<uncomfortable silence>
Frank: Yeah. I guess she does.
Jamie: What’s your name?
Frank: Frank.
Jamie: Frank. Do you ever get mistaken for a woman Frank?
Frank: Not usually.
Jamie: Typical.
Frank: Sometimes, on the phone.
Jamie:<examining his face.> You have strong features. No one would ever make the mistake in person.
Frank: Thanks?
Jamie: Do you work out?
Frank: Not really. Do you do drag?
Jamie: The wigs gave me a terrible rash and I had to retire. So what do you want to know about the place?
Frank: I don’t know. It seems nice enough. I like the view.
Jamie: A view of a street is something you can see thoughout the city. What about this place spoke to you?
Frank: But you can see the park across the street.
Jamie: True.
Frank: It’s not that bad. Believe me I’ve seen worse. What can you tell me about the place?
Jamie: What can I tell you? Well isn’t that a question? Well, I can tell you anything you want to hear to get it off my hands. I can tell you that it’s close to a grocery store, that it doesn’t have any leaks, that you won’t have your heart broken here at least once, that it has plenty of space to host a party, but you can plainly see none of that is true. So I can tell you a lot of things, but call me old-fashioned I prefer to be honest. It’s a dive, it’s cheap, it’s downtown.
Frank: Well I’ve never signed a lease before. It’s an old building so none of that is unexpected. <with a sense of fun> Is it haunted?
Jamie: <shrugs> Probably. If you stand at the edge of that wall you can hear a suspicious humming.
Frank: That’s probably just an air vent.
Jamie: Not in this case. The pipes vibrate. Loud. Louder than pipes in an old place should vibrate. When you take a shower you get a thumping like someone or something is trying to escape. Or someone’s fucking upstairs.
Frank: And you tell people it’s ghosts?
Jamie: I’m being optimistic. If it is ghosts then it is out of my control and not THE LANDLORD’S FAULT!!! <bangs against the wall.> Mr. Shadpolt lives next door. He’s the landlord, don’t worry about noise he’s stone deaf. Other than that though the bathroom works pretty well. That picture of flowers over there doesn’t come down.
Frank: That’s fine. I’m not really a fan of flowers.
Jamie: It’s a load bearing painting. I’m not the best at home repairs. You’ll get used to it.
Frank: Okay.
Jamie: The oven is gas. Have you ever had a gas oven?
Frank: No.
Jamie: You’re stuck with one now. It overcooks everything and it’s a fire hazard. Stick to eating out and cold cereal. Which takes us to the fridge. It’s broken. <opens fridge pulls out a pair of pants and starts putting them on.> But like I said, I mostly eat out. Are you in a hurry? You looked like you were in going somewhere.
Frank: No, I’m off today. Just a few errands to run. No one is expecting me anywhere.
Jamie: So no one knows you’re here?
Frank: No.
Jamie: Good I hate being expected somewhere. <pause> Is it five o’clock? <Checks the time> Never mind it’s after five in Russia <pulls out a bottle of vodka> Do you mind?
Frank: No that’s fine.
Jamie: Do you want one?
Frank: It’s 11 am. No. No I’m fine for now.
Jamie: I have other stuff. <gets up to look> Tonic water. And an apple? <offers apple in hand>
Frank: No I’m fine, I’m just here to see the place.
Jamie: Good I’m not used to having boys over. I prefer not to host a man if I can help it.
Frank: What comes with the place?
Jamie: Fridge, stove, windows, doors, that picture.
Frank: Other than that?
Jamie: Your new roommate, a little vermin I like to call Mindy comes with the place. She wanted to move out with me, the rat, but I said “no Mindy I think the relationship’s over.” <hushed tone> Sometimes you just gotta cut a girl loose.
Frank: I meant does any of the furniture come with the place?
Jamie: No. Furniture goes with me. Mindy comes with the place. I recommend getting a cat if you want to keep the mice and rats at bay.
Frank: Why didn’t you get one?
Jamie: I’m allergic to their saliva and animals can never seem to resist licking me. I’m delicious.
Frank: Why are you subletting?
Jamie: Now we’re getting to the crux of the matter. I can’t get out of my lease. Which makes no sense to me because clearly Mr. Shadpolt is going to jack up the price as soon as I move out, so now I’m in charge of finding a new tenant who gets to pay less money the the last three months of my lease and then whatever ridiculous price he wants to charge after that. I recommend abandoning ship before that happens.
Frank: Okay. And how much is it?
Jamie: $500 a month, which is as I understand it good for how far downtown we are.
Frank: Wow.
Jamie: I think the reason it’s cheap is because of Elsie.
Frank: Who was Elsie?
Jamie: Elsie used to live here, she was a hoarder and had been dead for 2 weeks before anyone found her, poor thing. <bites into apple.> You’re not freaked out by any of this are you? The building is all old people and queers. I promise you there are no ghosts, I’ve checked.
Frank: I’m sure you have.
Jamie: You know what Frank, it is a little early for vodka. Would you like some tea?
Frank: Tea would be nice.
Jamie: <Puts on the kettle.> No milk though, it curdles before I can finish the damn thing. I have some powdered creamer around here somewhere if you’d like but it always gives me the runs…
Frank: I take it black
Jamie: So do I. Sorry to say I’m also out of biscuits. Like I said, I prefer to eat out.
Frank: That must be expensive.
Jamie: I get by. I go to a lot of funerals and estate sales for the good food, good company, and good deals. <Sees Frank’s shocked expression> No one cares who’s at those things as long as they’ve had a good run and you’re polite. Everyone just murmurs when you walk in “well she certainly met some interesting characters in her life.” And don’t worry I always ask their ghost if I can attend.
Frank: Did you go to her funeral?
Jamie: Who?
Frank: The woman who lived here before?
Jamie: Hardly anything. Poorly attended, sad little ceremony her family just trashed all her stuff when they were cleaning up and I was moving in. I needed stuff so I took what I could.
Frank: Yet you’re taking it with you?
Jamie: It’s nice stuff. Here’s a lesson for you: fashion and taste don’t have a gender. If you like it, then that’s your style. The only exception is if you’re speaking french, then everything has a gender. Who knew tomatoes were female? No wonder I don’t like eating them.
Frank: I don’t like tomatoes.
Jamie: Oh I thought.
Frank: What?
Jamie: Nothing. <Smiles to himself.>
<Knock at the door.>
Laurie: I called about the apartment. Is this room 103? There’s no numbers on these doors.
Jamie: No, 103 is across the hall.
Laurie: Thanks.
<Frank and Jamie make eye contact. Franks starts to stand to leave.>
Frank: I should probably go.
Jamie: But you haven’t had your tea.
Frank: I’m fine.
Jamie: <locks bolt> You were saying no one was expecting you anywhere and we were having such a nice time.
<Knock at door>
Laurie: I went to the apartment and she said this is 103.
Jamie: Ugh, Gladys. Sorry, I wasn’t expecting company.
Laurie: You are Jamie right? We chatted on the phone. I’m Laurie.
Jamie: Of course, how could I forget? I’m so sorry from our phone conversation I thought you were a man. <Glance at Frank>
Frank: He’s a little odd.
Laurie: Well he won’t be living here with me.
Frank: I should hope not.
Laurie: You could do worse. How much is the place?
Jamie: $500 a month. Would you like some tea?
Laurie: What are we, nuns?
Jamie: My thoughts exactly. (Pulls out the vodka again)
Frank: A woman after your own heart.
Jamie: You had your chance.
Laurie: So this is it?
Jamie: This is it, the grand tour done with a wave of the hand.
Laurie: Are you getting out of the city for a reason?
Frank: He told me he’s getting out of his lease.
Laurie: Yeah, that’s why I’m asking people don’t get out of a lease in a hurry without a reason. Especially for $500 month.
Jamie: No reason. Nothing sinister if that’s what you’re asking.
Laurie: I wasn’t.
Jamie: Too bad, I thought I gave off an air of mystery. I’m sorry, I’ve lost my manners. This is Frank he’s a possible renter <Pause.> You know if you fight eachother I won’t stop you. No hair pulling though, I want a clean fight.
Laurie: I’ll save you the effort Frank, you won’t fit in with most people who live in this area.
Jamie: Not so fast, he’s not all bad. I’m willing to bet our friend Frank here is light in the loafers.
Frank: What’s wrong with my shoes?
Laurie: No he thinks you’re queer.
Frank: Uh yeah.
Laurie: Figures, the gaybourhood has a ton of gay men. Where the hell are all the lesbians?
Jamie: Saskatchewan.
Laurie: I hate farms.
Frank: I’m from a farm.
Laurie: You’re not at all what I’d expect.
Frank: It was a mink farm.
Jamie: They still have those?
Laurie: Do people really still wear mink?
Frank: Some people do, but it’s a dying industry.
Jamie: Well certainly for the mink.
Laurie: Can you imagine the next trend is celebrities carrying around a living mink to save the environment? “Why kill them when you can wear them live?”
Frank: They’re vicious they will bite you.
Jamie: So will a lot of celebrities.
Laurie: This is an older apartment building, you ever wonder if places like this are haunted?
Jamie: I can only hope. I’ve had some wonderful neighbours die. But you can’t borrow a cup of sugar from a ghost. Strange people though, I’m certain they would only make stranger ghosts.
Laurie: I can move in tomorrow.
Frank: What about me?
Jamie: Gladys is across the hall waiting for you Frank. No deal Laurie I’m not ready to move out until the end of the month. How can I be expected to pack so quickly?
Laurie: I’ll sleep on the couch, pay half until then. Squatter’s rights.
Frank: I’ll pay half and I can help you pack.
Jamie: Well I could use a man around the house.
Laurie: I’ll put out the garbage.
Jamie: I put out my own garbage.
Frank: What do I have to do?
Jamie: I have an idea. How about you pay half and you pay half and I’ll stay here to the end of the month.
Laurie: What do we get out of the deal?
Jamie: My company.
Frank: Hi, I saw your ad online, I’m here about the sublet. Are you Jamie? I couldn’t get a hold of you so I thought I’d just stop by, I hope that’s okay. <Hand out to shake, Jamie doesn’t take it. Pause> You’re not Jamie, are you? I’m sorry I must have written the apartment numbers down wrong. I don’t have a printer at home, so … shoot. <fumbles for a piece of paper he wrote the address on> It looks like 102 but it could be 103. Sorry, there’s no number on your door so I thought… I can barely even read my own writing, you can understand the mistake right?
Jamie: Don’t apologize. I’m Jamie this is 103. <takes the piece of paper from Frank, crumples it and throws it out> Gladys Pinkerton lives across the hall in 102. You can go over and ask if she’s also interested in subletting. She doesn’t get many male visitors so she might think you’re a potential suitor.
Frank: Oh.
Jamie: She doesn’t have any teeth so it’s not the worst mistake that could be made.
Frank: Sorry Jamie you don’t really look like you’re ready for company.
Jamie: Well what do you expect when you arrive without calling first?
Frank: I tried. You wouldn’t pick up.
Jamie: Oh. I must have been out. You can come in if you want. Or are you able to decide if you want to sublet from there?
<Frank enters the apartment, Jamie closes the door behind him.>
Frank: Okay. You know, this is silly of me but from the ad I thought you were a girl.
Jamie: <looks at robe> Fashion and taste don’t have a gender. Are women the only ones allowed to have nice things?
Frank: It’s not that. I have an aunt named Jamie. When I read the ad I thought there’d be a woman at the door.
Jamie: How disappointing. Expecting a woman and getting a man. I’m sure you’re the first person who’s ever had that surprise.
Frank: Right.
Jamie: Well I’ve never heard of any girls named Jamie.
Frank: The only Jamie I know is my Aunt.
Jamie: Odd then she has my name.
<uncomfortable silence>
Frank: Yeah. I guess she does.
Jamie: What’s your name?
Frank: Frank.
Jamie: Frank. Do you ever get mistaken for a woman Frank?
Frank: Not usually.
Jamie: Typical.
Frank: Sometimes, on the phone.
Jamie:<examining his face.> You have strong features. No one would ever make the mistake in person.
Frank: Thanks?
Jamie: Do you work out?
Frank: Not really. Do you do drag?
Jamie: The wigs gave me a terrible rash and I had to retire. So what do you want to know about the place?
Frank: I don’t know. It seems nice enough. I like the view.
Jamie: A view of a street is something you can see thoughout the city. What about this place spoke to you?
Frank: But you can see the park across the street.
Jamie: True.
Frank: It’s not that bad. Believe me I’ve seen worse. What can you tell me about the place?
Jamie: What can I tell you? Well isn’t that a question? Well, I can tell you anything you want to hear to get it off my hands. I can tell you that it’s close to a grocery store, that it doesn’t have any leaks, that you won’t have your heart broken here at least once, that it has plenty of space to host a party, but you can plainly see none of that is true. So I can tell you a lot of things, but call me old-fashioned I prefer to be honest. It’s a dive, it’s cheap, it’s downtown.
Frank: Well I’ve never signed a lease before. It’s an old building so none of that is unexpected. <with a sense of fun> Is it haunted?
Jamie: <shrugs> Probably. If you stand at the edge of that wall you can hear a suspicious humming.
Frank: That’s probably just an air vent.
Jamie: Not in this case. The pipes vibrate. Loud. Louder than pipes in an old place should vibrate. When you take a shower you get a thumping like someone or something is trying to escape. Or someone’s fucking upstairs.
Frank: And you tell people it’s ghosts?
Jamie: I’m being optimistic. If it is ghosts then it is out of my control and not THE LANDLORD’S FAULT!!! <bangs against the wall.> Mr. Shadpolt lives next door. He’s the landlord, don’t worry about noise he’s stone deaf. Other than that though the bathroom works pretty well. That picture of flowers over there doesn’t come down.
Frank: That’s fine. I’m not really a fan of flowers.
Jamie: It’s a load bearing painting. I’m not the best at home repairs. You’ll get used to it.
Frank: Okay.
Jamie: The oven is gas. Have you ever had a gas oven?
Frank: No.
Jamie: You’re stuck with one now. It overcooks everything and it’s a fire hazard. Stick to eating out and cold cereal. Which takes us to the fridge. It’s broken. <opens fridge pulls out a pair of pants and starts putting them on.> But like I said, I mostly eat out. Are you in a hurry? You looked like you were in going somewhere.
Frank: No, I’m off today. Just a few errands to run. No one is expecting me anywhere.
Jamie: So no one knows you’re here?
Frank: No.
Jamie: Good I hate being expected somewhere. <pause> Is it five o’clock? <Checks the time> Never mind it’s after five in Russia <pulls out a bottle of vodka> Do you mind?
Frank: No that’s fine.
Jamie: Do you want one?
Frank: It’s 11 am. No. No I’m fine for now.
Jamie: I have other stuff. <gets up to look> Tonic water. And an apple? <offers apple in hand>
Frank: No I’m fine, I’m just here to see the place.
Jamie: Good I’m not used to having boys over. I prefer not to host a man if I can help it.
Frank: What comes with the place?
Jamie: Fridge, stove, windows, doors, that picture.
Frank: Other than that?
Jamie: Your new roommate, a little vermin I like to call Mindy comes with the place. She wanted to move out with me, the rat, but I said “no Mindy I think the relationship’s over.” <hushed tone> Sometimes you just gotta cut a girl loose.
Frank: I meant does any of the furniture come with the place?
Jamie: No. Furniture goes with me. Mindy comes with the place. I recommend getting a cat if you want to keep the mice and rats at bay.
Frank: Why didn’t you get one?
Jamie: I’m allergic to their saliva and animals can never seem to resist licking me. I’m delicious.
Frank: Why are you subletting?
Jamie: Now we’re getting to the crux of the matter. I can’t get out of my lease. Which makes no sense to me because clearly Mr. Shadpolt is going to jack up the price as soon as I move out, so now I’m in charge of finding a new tenant who gets to pay less money the the last three months of my lease and then whatever ridiculous price he wants to charge after that. I recommend abandoning ship before that happens.
Frank: Okay. And how much is it?
Jamie: $500 a month, which is as I understand it good for how far downtown we are.
Frank: Wow.
Jamie: I think the reason it’s cheap is because of Elsie.
Frank: Who was Elsie?
Jamie: Elsie used to live here, she was a hoarder and had been dead for 2 weeks before anyone found her, poor thing. <bites into apple.> You’re not freaked out by any of this are you? The building is all old people and queers. I promise you there are no ghosts, I’ve checked.
Frank: I’m sure you have.
Jamie: You know what Frank, it is a little early for vodka. Would you like some tea?
Frank: Tea would be nice.
Jamie: <Puts on the kettle.> No milk though, it curdles before I can finish the damn thing. I have some powdered creamer around here somewhere if you’d like but it always gives me the runs…
Frank: I take it black
Jamie: So do I. Sorry to say I’m also out of biscuits. Like I said, I prefer to eat out.
Frank: That must be expensive.
Jamie: I get by. I go to a lot of funerals and estate sales for the good food, good company, and good deals. <Sees Frank’s shocked expression> No one cares who’s at those things as long as they’ve had a good run and you’re polite. Everyone just murmurs when you walk in “well she certainly met some interesting characters in her life.” And don’t worry I always ask their ghost if I can attend.
Frank: Did you go to her funeral?
Jamie: Who?
Frank: The woman who lived here before?
Jamie: Hardly anything. Poorly attended, sad little ceremony her family just trashed all her stuff when they were cleaning up and I was moving in. I needed stuff so I took what I could.
Frank: Yet you’re taking it with you?
Jamie: It’s nice stuff. Here’s a lesson for you: fashion and taste don’t have a gender. If you like it, then that’s your style. The only exception is if you’re speaking french, then everything has a gender. Who knew tomatoes were female? No wonder I don’t like eating them.
Frank: I don’t like tomatoes.
Jamie: Oh I thought.
Frank: What?
Jamie: Nothing. <Smiles to himself.>
<Knock at the door.>
Laurie: I called about the apartment. Is this room 103? There’s no numbers on these doors.
Jamie: No, 103 is across the hall.
Laurie: Thanks.
<Frank and Jamie make eye contact. Franks starts to stand to leave.>
Frank: I should probably go.
Jamie: But you haven’t had your tea.
Frank: I’m fine.
Jamie: <locks bolt> You were saying no one was expecting you anywhere and we were having such a nice time.
<Knock at door>
Laurie: I went to the apartment and she said this is 103.
Jamie: Ugh, Gladys. Sorry, I wasn’t expecting company.
Laurie: You are Jamie right? We chatted on the phone. I’m Laurie.
Jamie: Of course, how could I forget? I’m so sorry from our phone conversation I thought you were a man. <Glance at Frank>
Frank: He’s a little odd.
Laurie: Well he won’t be living here with me.
Frank: I should hope not.
Laurie: You could do worse. How much is the place?
Jamie: $500 a month. Would you like some tea?
Laurie: What are we, nuns?
Jamie: My thoughts exactly. (Pulls out the vodka again)
Frank: A woman after your own heart.
Jamie: You had your chance.
Laurie: So this is it?
Jamie: This is it, the grand tour done with a wave of the hand.
Laurie: Are you getting out of the city for a reason?
Frank: He told me he’s getting out of his lease.
Laurie: Yeah, that’s why I’m asking people don’t get out of a lease in a hurry without a reason. Especially for $500 month.
Jamie: No reason. Nothing sinister if that’s what you’re asking.
Laurie: I wasn’t.
Jamie: Too bad, I thought I gave off an air of mystery. I’m sorry, I’ve lost my manners. This is Frank he’s a possible renter <Pause.> You know if you fight eachother I won’t stop you. No hair pulling though, I want a clean fight.
Laurie: I’ll save you the effort Frank, you won’t fit in with most people who live in this area.
Jamie: Not so fast, he’s not all bad. I’m willing to bet our friend Frank here is light in the loafers.
Frank: What’s wrong with my shoes?
Laurie: No he thinks you’re queer.
Frank: Uh yeah.
Laurie: Figures, the gaybourhood has a ton of gay men. Where the hell are all the lesbians?
Jamie: Saskatchewan.
Laurie: I hate farms.
Frank: I’m from a farm.
Laurie: You’re not at all what I’d expect.
Frank: It was a mink farm.
Jamie: They still have those?
Laurie: Do people really still wear mink?
Frank: Some people do, but it’s a dying industry.
Jamie: Well certainly for the mink.
Laurie: Can you imagine the next trend is celebrities carrying around a living mink to save the environment? “Why kill them when you can wear them live?”
Frank: They’re vicious they will bite you.
Jamie: So will a lot of celebrities.
Laurie: This is an older apartment building, you ever wonder if places like this are haunted?
Jamie: I can only hope. I’ve had some wonderful neighbours die. But you can’t borrow a cup of sugar from a ghost. Strange people though, I’m certain they would only make stranger ghosts.
Laurie: I can move in tomorrow.
Frank: What about me?
Jamie: Gladys is across the hall waiting for you Frank. No deal Laurie I’m not ready to move out until the end of the month. How can I be expected to pack so quickly?
Laurie: I’ll sleep on the couch, pay half until then. Squatter’s rights.
Frank: I’ll pay half and I can help you pack.
Jamie: Well I could use a man around the house.
Laurie: I’ll put out the garbage.
Jamie: I put out my own garbage.
Frank: What do I have to do?
Jamie: I have an idea. How about you pay half and you pay half and I’ll stay here to the end of the month.
Laurie: What do we get out of the deal?
Jamie: My company.
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