Scene 3: Secrets
Laurie: That painting of flowers is so amateur.
Frank: It looks like flowers.
Laurie: Exactly, no one works in realism. What are the flowers supposed to mean?
Frank: They’re not supposed to mean anything they’re flowers
Laurie: It needs to mean something.
Frank: Then it means: ‘I’m sorry viewer of the painting, I am not a bouquet of flowers. However, in the absence of real flowers please accept this painting which is by estimates the closest approximation of flowers a person can make on a two dimensional surface.
<Jamie emerges in a glorious black ensemble. Slight veil.>
Jamie: They’re lillies, and the reason they lack finess is I painted them in High School. I never went to art school. I painted that and was told I had a natural talent I should work on, then other things came up and that was that.
Laurie: We were going to take them down.
Frank: If you don’t mind.
Jamie: The painting stays. It’s nailed into the wall to cover a crack. If it comes down there’s no telling what will happen to this place. If you wish to move other things around, be my guest. Now if you don’t mind I’m going out to Mr. Merrigan’s funeral.
Laurie: I can fix the crack. I fixed the oven and the fridge, I can fix the crack.
Jamie: Laurie bless your heart I thank myself every day for letting you live here. Frank, you need to pull your weight. We can discuss the painting when I return.
Frank: How old was he?
Jamie: Old. I’ve been calling him Mr. Merrigan. He’s one of the last of that generation that actually expected you to call them Mister…and I forgot his first name. Poor fellow died of one of those ridiculous diseases no one dies of anymore.
Frank: Consumption?
Laurie: Typhoid?
Jamie: Arthritis. He lost the ability to masturbate poor guy. I would have died too at that kind of news. Don’t wait up! <exits>
Frank: Did you check the lottery today?
Laurie: I check every day. If you don’t let them know within one year it goes back into circulation.
Frank: Yeah. But I don’t think that’s a worry. You check it often enough right?
Laurie: In ‘The Secret’ it says that if you want something like this enough then it’s yours. You need to bring your life into balance and believe in yourself and you will win. I am going to win a million dollars. I am going to win 1 million dollars. I made a vision board.
Frank: Does it work for everything?
Laurie: No not everything. The universe only likes good things like you can’t wish a person dead so you get something good, you need to really want it. And sometimes it comes in a way you don’t really expect. Like I really needed an apartment and I found this place. My only requirement was a room to myself in the Gaybourhood.
Frank: You didn’t get the room to yourself part.
Laurie: I’m still waiting for you both to move out.
Frank: Right. Do you use the same numbers?
Laurie: Same numbers every time. Needs to be, I figure my odds get better every time right?
Frank: That’s not the way odds work.
Laurie: If I select them the same every time, eventually they’ll draw my numbers.
Frank: Everyone has an equal chance who enters the contest right? And every time the number is randomly selected right? So lets say there’s 6 numbers. Well that means your chance is one in nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine. And the next time they draw the number it’s the same thing…
Laurie: <cutting him off> Have you ever heard of the birthday attack? It’s a probability cryptograph we learned in high school algebra where you ask a room of people what their birthday is, and 50% probability is reached when you have around 25 people in a room. double that and you get close to 90% probability. Odds are better than you think. There are two outcomes: I win or I don’t. Fifty, fifty.
Frank: You have more chance to be hit by lightening.
Laurie: The CN tower is hit all the time, in like every storm. You heard of a lightning rod? You need to make yourself a lightning rod for good luck. People always want to see the world as random, as a series of random meandering selections. It is, unless you don’t want it to be.
Frank: Are you an Athiest?
Laurie: Well I don’t know how you couldn’t be in the world we live in.
Frank: You believe in things like ghosts and the “universe” but angels and god? That’s crazy talk. What about Jamie going to the funerals? Isn’t that a benefit from a negative?
Laurie: It’s not an exact science. Look, I don’t want anyone hurt, but if the universe wanted it, then I can’t say no. And don’t worry I have no relatives with a million dollars.
Frank: You lesbians are normally so practical.
Laurie: And gay men are normally so clean if you want to talk stereotypes. How much stuff is crammed into Jamie’s closet?
Frank: You know I saw him wearing purple loafers, a purple belt and a purple shoulder bag the other day to pick up groceries? I called it a purse and he corrected me.
Laurie: He has a certain style. My mom used to do that match the belt, bag and the shoes.
Frank: It’s ridiculous. Why would anyone be so out there?
Laurie: You mean so gay?
Frank: Yeah. Aren’t we beyond wearing women’s clothing and prancing about in gay pride parades and flaunting it in everyone’s faces?
Laurie: Some people are just like that. It’s what he wants.
Frank: Yeah but aren’t we at a point where we’re just like everyone else? We can get married we can do everything that straight people can do.
Laurie: Straight people can get on a plane and go to anywhere in the world and find other straight people. Gay people can travel on a plane and meet others who are being murdered for who they are. There’s a difference. We’re lucky, we’re not free.
Frank: I’ve never felt attracted to a drag queen.
Laurie: Many of the leading ladies in my life have been men.
Frank: I don’t think he has any intent to move out.
Laurie: I don’t think that was ever his plan.
Frank: This painting isn’t good. It looks like something in a hospital waiting room.
Laurie: It’s not that bad.
Frank: “BS” there are initials on the bottom of the painting. Which is a pretty fitting critique.
Laurie: Well I don’t know if he actually painted it.
Frank: Why would he lie about something like that? Just to mess with us?
Laurie: He doesn’t want the painting moved. He has his reasons. Clearly he doesn’t want us to know those reasons.
Frank: Like the closet he won’t let us into that he seems to keep all of these treasures from Elsie? Aren’t you curious if something fits?
Laurie: I don’t wear dresses.
Frank: Neither do I. So we won’t steal anything.
<Pause>
Laurie: Well if we’re not stealing.
Frank: He said we could move everything but the painting.
Frank: It looks like flowers.
Laurie: Exactly, no one works in realism. What are the flowers supposed to mean?
Frank: They’re not supposed to mean anything they’re flowers
Laurie: It needs to mean something.
Frank: Then it means: ‘I’m sorry viewer of the painting, I am not a bouquet of flowers. However, in the absence of real flowers please accept this painting which is by estimates the closest approximation of flowers a person can make on a two dimensional surface.
<Jamie emerges in a glorious black ensemble. Slight veil.>
Jamie: They’re lillies, and the reason they lack finess is I painted them in High School. I never went to art school. I painted that and was told I had a natural talent I should work on, then other things came up and that was that.
Laurie: We were going to take them down.
Frank: If you don’t mind.
Jamie: The painting stays. It’s nailed into the wall to cover a crack. If it comes down there’s no telling what will happen to this place. If you wish to move other things around, be my guest. Now if you don’t mind I’m going out to Mr. Merrigan’s funeral.
Laurie: I can fix the crack. I fixed the oven and the fridge, I can fix the crack.
Jamie: Laurie bless your heart I thank myself every day for letting you live here. Frank, you need to pull your weight. We can discuss the painting when I return.
Frank: How old was he?
Jamie: Old. I’ve been calling him Mr. Merrigan. He’s one of the last of that generation that actually expected you to call them Mister…and I forgot his first name. Poor fellow died of one of those ridiculous diseases no one dies of anymore.
Frank: Consumption?
Laurie: Typhoid?
Jamie: Arthritis. He lost the ability to masturbate poor guy. I would have died too at that kind of news. Don’t wait up! <exits>
Frank: Did you check the lottery today?
Laurie: I check every day. If you don’t let them know within one year it goes back into circulation.
Frank: Yeah. But I don’t think that’s a worry. You check it often enough right?
Laurie: In ‘The Secret’ it says that if you want something like this enough then it’s yours. You need to bring your life into balance and believe in yourself and you will win. I am going to win a million dollars. I am going to win 1 million dollars. I made a vision board.
Frank: Does it work for everything?
Laurie: No not everything. The universe only likes good things like you can’t wish a person dead so you get something good, you need to really want it. And sometimes it comes in a way you don’t really expect. Like I really needed an apartment and I found this place. My only requirement was a room to myself in the Gaybourhood.
Frank: You didn’t get the room to yourself part.
Laurie: I’m still waiting for you both to move out.
Frank: Right. Do you use the same numbers?
Laurie: Same numbers every time. Needs to be, I figure my odds get better every time right?
Frank: That’s not the way odds work.
Laurie: If I select them the same every time, eventually they’ll draw my numbers.
Frank: Everyone has an equal chance who enters the contest right? And every time the number is randomly selected right? So lets say there’s 6 numbers. Well that means your chance is one in nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine. And the next time they draw the number it’s the same thing…
Laurie: <cutting him off> Have you ever heard of the birthday attack? It’s a probability cryptograph we learned in high school algebra where you ask a room of people what their birthday is, and 50% probability is reached when you have around 25 people in a room. double that and you get close to 90% probability. Odds are better than you think. There are two outcomes: I win or I don’t. Fifty, fifty.
Frank: You have more chance to be hit by lightening.
Laurie: The CN tower is hit all the time, in like every storm. You heard of a lightning rod? You need to make yourself a lightning rod for good luck. People always want to see the world as random, as a series of random meandering selections. It is, unless you don’t want it to be.
Frank: Are you an Athiest?
Laurie: Well I don’t know how you couldn’t be in the world we live in.
Frank: You believe in things like ghosts and the “universe” but angels and god? That’s crazy talk. What about Jamie going to the funerals? Isn’t that a benefit from a negative?
Laurie: It’s not an exact science. Look, I don’t want anyone hurt, but if the universe wanted it, then I can’t say no. And don’t worry I have no relatives with a million dollars.
Frank: You lesbians are normally so practical.
Laurie: And gay men are normally so clean if you want to talk stereotypes. How much stuff is crammed into Jamie’s closet?
Frank: You know I saw him wearing purple loafers, a purple belt and a purple shoulder bag the other day to pick up groceries? I called it a purse and he corrected me.
Laurie: He has a certain style. My mom used to do that match the belt, bag and the shoes.
Frank: It’s ridiculous. Why would anyone be so out there?
Laurie: You mean so gay?
Frank: Yeah. Aren’t we beyond wearing women’s clothing and prancing about in gay pride parades and flaunting it in everyone’s faces?
Laurie: Some people are just like that. It’s what he wants.
Frank: Yeah but aren’t we at a point where we’re just like everyone else? We can get married we can do everything that straight people can do.
Laurie: Straight people can get on a plane and go to anywhere in the world and find other straight people. Gay people can travel on a plane and meet others who are being murdered for who they are. There’s a difference. We’re lucky, we’re not free.
Frank: I’ve never felt attracted to a drag queen.
Laurie: Many of the leading ladies in my life have been men.
Frank: I don’t think he has any intent to move out.
Laurie: I don’t think that was ever his plan.
Frank: This painting isn’t good. It looks like something in a hospital waiting room.
Laurie: It’s not that bad.
Frank: “BS” there are initials on the bottom of the painting. Which is a pretty fitting critique.
Laurie: Well I don’t know if he actually painted it.
Frank: Why would he lie about something like that? Just to mess with us?
Laurie: He doesn’t want the painting moved. He has his reasons. Clearly he doesn’t want us to know those reasons.
Frank: Like the closet he won’t let us into that he seems to keep all of these treasures from Elsie? Aren’t you curious if something fits?
Laurie: I don’t wear dresses.
Frank: Neither do I. So we won’t steal anything.
<Pause>
Laurie: Well if we’re not stealing.
Frank: He said we could move everything but the painting.
Short URL for this post: http://tmblr.co/Zy4yby
